Psychotherapist and Counsellor Margaret Ward-Martin looks at the subtle signs that you could be dealing with a narcissist or controlling partner. The terms – narcissist, controller, and abuser – are interchangeable and apply to individuals regardless of gender or identification. Here she offers advice on what to look out for, how to handle an abusive relationship and how to get help.

Subtle Signs of a Narcissist

Timing is critical. In romantic relationships, narcissists "love bomb" and rush things. They are charming, seemingly sensitive, caring, seductive and funny. What’s not to like? In this early phase, you will be idealized. Narcissists are superficial and find it tedious to genuinely get to know someone and, as a result, endeavour to quickly gain access to your life, family, finances, and home. By accelerating this learning about each other process, they have limited the opportunity to expose their true nature and can drop the act, sooner. The narcissist is aware that with nothing to lose you are more likely to end the relationship and when finances are combined and children arrive, the chance of ending the relationship lessens because doing so comes at a heavy cost. Narcissists rely on your being less able to leave them in these circumstances.
Decisions over how you spend your time will be reduced or taken away from you. You may be presented with a schedule for non-working time or expected to change your own arrangements without question. A specific example would be the narcissist making plans without your consent. When they present it as a surprise for you it might leave you confused and questioning why you do not feel grateful. This amounts to gaslighting yourself. If you feel something is off – heed the warning. Coercion moves in the dark.
Listen carefully when they portray themselves as the victim in their own story. It will be compelling in its emotional delivery. Playing to your kindness, decency, and toying with your emotions in the process. You are likely to feel compelled to sympathise (or empathise) by their story of persecution and get sucked into their alternative reality.
A hostile takeover may be occurring so please be careful. It looks something like this: they are so into you that they do not want any time apart from you. An example might be discouraging you from going away for that important weekend with your friends. They will miss you too much. If you push back, you may be punished with the silent treatment or sulking or an emotional outburst. As this is exhausting you become less likely to spend time away just to keep the peace. Your social life starts to shrink.
Your phone is tracked. They may say phone tracking is to keep you safe, but it means they always know your location. If your partner doesn't allow tracking on their phone, that's a red flag. Similarly, following or monitoring you on social media might seem fine at first, but watch for criticism about photos you post or outings with friends. Their intentions will become clear over time as they reveal their true self.
Beware the apologies. Apologising is a calculated tactic, a mechanism used to control. They apologise after causing harm, knowing forgiveness often follows. They repeatedly cheat, steal, deceive, and abuse, using persuasive apologies to avoid separation. There is sadism in how they operate and a degree of enjoyment in causing distress. Factors like housing, children's welfare, or fear of divorce may influence staying in the relationship. This strategy explains why rapid progression in the early stages of the relationship is intentional. Other tactics used to emotionally manipulate you might include rageful outbursts or guttural wailing and sobbing. Any weapon used will be loud and effective. There may be a brief uneasy truce after an incident, but remember, betrayal happens only once. When you don’t end the relationship then, the abuser will continue to up their game. That’s what it is – an attempt to find out how much you are willing to take.
They lie, compulsively. However, in their mind, what they say is true. For instance, they might withdraw a large amount of money from your joint account without discussing it with you. When you confront them, they argue that you're too controlling, and the money is theirs. They apologize, and out of fear or trauma bonding or desperation, you accept. They genuinely believe it is their money, so they don't consider this lying. It is their firm belief that you are at fault. Another, common lie is that you are the abuser. They may have been lying for years to family and colleagues about abuse in the home but what is likely is that they have said you are the abuser. This is where the grain of truth ploy is engaged. Yes, there is pushing and infidelity and rage – but it is them – not you. Their circle will be told the opposite.
Your friendships are manipulated. They will manipulate you by suggesting that your friends are not good for you and insist they (the narcissist) knows best. They may even say your friend said something to them about you to get you to question your friendship. This tactic is intended to divide and conquer. They will lie about what people say about you until you no longer know who to trust. They act deliberately to distress and confuse you. For instance, at a gathering of friends or family, a few guests might seem distant or ignore you. The reason could be a smear campaign where someone has spread negative ideas or doubts about you among your relatives or friends. Generally, these false claims relate to your mental stability, honesty, fidelity, and similar, significant themes. Such remarks may even be shared with your children.
They cause damage to your mental health. As you experience devaluation, your mental well-being may be affected. They might criticize your appearance, eating habits, hair, teeth, family, parenting, and other significant aspects over time. If you eventually react strongly, they may claim you are imagining things—potentially leading to confusion about what is real. You will be called “too sensitive;” “needy,” “paranoid” or similar. If you had a mental health issue going into the relationship, this may be amplified and weaponised by your abuser. In addition to this you are likely to become depressed or use unhealthy coping strategies. One specific type of depression – anhedonia – is reported more often in abusive situations. It applies equally to work related relationships where individuals experiencing this type of depression lack the capacity to feel joy or pleasure. The capacity to feel happy has shut down.
Basic needs may be monitored or denied such as sleep, heating, food, and water. Let me explain. If your partner is deliberately making noise whilst you are trying to sleep or keeping a light on to prevent you doing so, this is wrong. If they wake you up or touch you or prod you to prevent you resting, this is wrong. If they coerce or force you to have sex then a criminal act has taken place. Sleep deprivation is a method of torture and this is what can happen in this situation. You may be criticised for “nagging” but if you are being denied a peaceful sleep then that is not ok. The same with warmth. If your partner keeps the heating low when they are away from the home, despite your requesting differently, you are being denied a comfortable home, and this is not ok. If you cannot visit the doctor alone and do not want them with you but they insist – that is not ok. You can call the surgery or ask a friend to help by doing so to explain your situation - only if you can do so safely.
Your financial situation is abused. Financial abuse is not always identified in a relationship as being an issue. This is because of the expectations for “joint” finances and the notion of a shared home. This specific type of abuse can involve restricting your ability to work, controlling your access to abuser’s bank statements while demanding to see yours, and maintaining secrecy about their own finances. The abuser's sense of entitlement leads to double standards. Regardless of economic status, wealth is used to exert control. They may use rage or righteous indignation to control you in response to your questions.
Narcissistic discard. The discard is likely to be brutal. In a narcissistic cycle of abuse, idealization and devaluing is followed by a discard. This does not necessarily mean that the abuser intends to end the relationship, especially if they wish to maintain the image of a perfect family, but it will be made clear that you have been replaced. You may feel that the person is stealing or cheating but any attempt on your part to discuss this will be likely met with rage. I urge you - above all – stay safe.

Margaret comments: “If you can recognize yourself in any of the above, the abuse is not a reflection of you – it reflects the abuser. They chose you because you made them look good, are strong and accomplished and you have something they want. You do not need to do anything immediately – unless you are in danger. If so, please call 999, ask for police support and remove you and your children from the situation.”

How to Handle a Narcissist

Breathe. First, process what you are beginning to understand has been going on. If you want to leave, decide when and make plans. If not, explore your options. Above all – stay safe.
Engage with agencies. If you have children, inform their schools so that the staff can better understand and manage the situation. Consult with a solicitor or domestic violence charity to determine if there is a criminal case. Communicate your situation to your employer and the HR department, providing a clear description of what is occurring. Any employer worth working for is likely to be able to offer you support. The same with your GP. Please let them know what is going on.
Establish an inner circle of people you trust. If you don’t know where to start – that’s ok – take your time. Be your own best advocate if you need. You may experience the post traumatic symptom of pathological loneliness. This is not unusual and takes some understanding so please read up on it. Also, try and avoid a relationship too soon. I appreciate how big an ask this is, but you will be vulnerable for a long time so be careful who you let into your life.
Get out – literally. Take walks and go for a coffee just to get out and about. If you are safe to do so, try and take walks in natural surroundings. It might help the fog to lift.
Expect rumination as you process what is going on. Your mind may be racing, and you might drift from this to a blank stare. This is the effects of trauma, and you may experience symptoms for some time. Please don’t judge how you may be reacting. Living through an abusive relationship takes its toll. Seek professional help if you wish.
Be prepared for anything. You are likely to be shocked by what you find out after you have left or during divorce proceedings. Other families, secret accounts, addictions, criminal convictions – I have been doing this work for a long, long time and the variation on this theme is the stuff of nightmares. Forewarned is forearmed.
Expected to be hoovered back in or baited by your abuser. They are unlikely to be able to tolerate the separation and will either charm you back or threaten you – any kind of engagement or reaction will do. Do not expect them to admit how they have treated you – they are prone to abuse amnesia. They are so adept at living a lie they instantly forget, suppress, or re-remember differently and deny your reality.
Start designing your new life. You can do this by remembering what you enjoyed doing early in life. It could be football, dancing, writing, travelling, and living life on your terms. Get in touch with who you are by taking time to remember what brings you joy. Journalling may help – it’s not for everyone but worth a try?
Grieve deeply and take your time. Getting through each day may be as much as you can manage. That’ll do. Celebrate the small wins and don’t judge yourself too harshly. You abuser did that for long enough. They had no right.
If you are divorcing, strap in. Engage the best team possible in your circumstances and guard your relationship with your children, even if you are the parent who has less time with them. Parental alienation, oversharing, misinformation and inappropriate disclosure to children, though shocking, is common. Also, please do not be surprised if your own family and friends do not jump to your defence. Remember, you don’t know how long the abuser has been grooming those around you. Expect the worst and get through each day as best you can, Be kind to yourself, continue to learn and lean on your legal and mental health team. After the divorce, seek co-parenting support. Many practical online resources offer understanding and insight. Remember, you are not alone.
Learn as much as you can about what you have gone through. There are some brilliant online resources and educating yourself is part of your recovery journey.
Get the abuser out of your head. They will want to take up residence but try to avoid it. Refuse to continue to do their work for them.
Document everything relevant and get your paperwork/phone messages in order where you can. If it is not safe in your home because your abuser has access, send it to a safe third party.
Breathe. Did I mention that?

BACP Counsellor and Psychotherapist Margaret Ward-Martin holds over 30 years’ experience in the mental health industry as a teacher, coach and therapist with a special interest in narcissistic abuse and coercive control survival, addiction and early childhood trauma. She founded The Grace Project in 2021 to raise awareness about emotional and psychological abuse in the world in which we live. Margaret continues to advocate for better access to mental health services and for greater understanding and destigmatization of diagnosis.